Dear Bank

Dear Bank

A few things. Firstly, I’m sorry about the decline in use of the tape cassette. I’m sure it’s quite a bother to you what with your fondness of archaic solutions to problems that better solutions exist for. Boo MP3, down with that sort of thing I say.

Also, apologies for using this new-fangled email thing. I know it must be grating having to read this on a computer screen and being able to easily store it and share it with anyone you want in the world at the touch of a button.

The reason for my email is that I feel you would be happy to know that you’ve succeeded in what I can only assume was your deliberate attempt to make viewing the comings and goings of my bank account almost impossible, and forcing me back into the arms of my unloving existing bank.

Let me take you for a little walk down the past 3 months of my trivial life. I have my business account with Barclays, but it’s a loveless relationship that continues only due to apathy on my side. I’d settled, I knew I could do better but I was comfortable. However, I then met one of your business managers, and the doe eyed flirt won my attention and before I know it I’m sneaking filthy banking messages behind Barclays back. I decided it was time to leave them, and move to my new perky breasted banking partner. Natwest. Oh how I thought I loved you Natwest. But it was folly. Childish hopefulness. You’re all the same deep down, I know that now.

This is when it started to fall apart…

“Hey Natwest” I said “Can I have access to my account please”
“Course you can” Natwest said “We’ll just send you something in the post and…”
“Whoa…the post?”
“Yes, the post”
“Why the post?”
“Oh because it’s all secure and that innit”
“The post that is on a printed piece of paper?”
“Yes”
“And the printed piece of paper that has a lot of my personal information on it?”
“Yes”
“And the printed piece of paper that is sent across the country in the hands of a load of total strangers on minimum wage with severe alchol dependencies?”
“Yes”
“Oh OK then, that makes sense. Post away”
……

*Waits patiently*
……

*Waits patiently*

…

In here I was considering regaling you with a detailed account of the delights I suffered over the next few months. Instead I will summarise – You thought I had access anyway because I have another business account I could access, I told you I couldn’t, and mentioned I’d moved house. You set every account I have with you to be my home address even though I didn’t want you to. I still couldn’t access my account. I called again, I got promised some more post. I didn’t get it. Then this happened…

Bankline was suggested to me. Bankline would solve the problems for sure. So I got bankline. It’s £10 a month or something, but I don’t mind because I really need to see my bank account, and this will let me see my bank account. I got my activation email. It had on it a username and password. I tried to use it…

“Hey Natwest, I need an activation code. Where’s my activation code?”
“We posted it to you”
“Hmmmmmmm….really?”
“Yes”
“Does it not occur to anyone that the post is a bit of a slow, unreliable totally unsecure way of sending details to me?”
“No it doesn’t”
“Of course it doesn’t. I’ll wait”

*waits patiently*

“Yeah!!!! My activation code, I’m going to totally log on to my bank account and start using Natwest for my business banking. I’m way excited. Oh and look, I’ve also got a bankline card, a bankline pin number, a bankline authorisation code, and bankline reader for the bankline card that has a bankline pin. I’ll use that with my bankline username and my bankline password and I’ll get me some bankline action!”

So I logged on to my Bankline account with my bankline username and my bankline password and I entered my bankline authorisation code and then set my bankline pin and my bankline password and I got into….wait for it….bankline. And this is what I could do…

Nothing.

I can’t actually see my accounts, most of the menus I’m supposed to have aren’t there. So I can’t see anything useful. All I can do is add other users that can’t see anything, or add accounts that those users can’t see, or I can decide how changes that those users can’t make can be authorised by the other users who can’t authorise them.

But luckily I have solution now. Just stay with Barclays. I’ve tried for months, but it’s clearly a task that the technology available just isn’t capable of delivering. If only there was a mobile device that you could send codes to via some sort of messaging system that would work instantly. Or if only there was a, oh I don’t know what the word would be…a…a…web? of some sort that allowed mail messages to be transported electronically rather than on paper. Then, and only then, would we live in a world where issues such as these could get resolved quickly without me waiting 3 months to achieve a very simple task. I for one am looking forward to that day. But I’m sure you are not. I’m sure as you read this on the piece of granite that my words were carved into by the stone mason you have working in your IT department you are just looking resentfully at the technology around you and dreaming of a better time. A simpler time. A time where people didn’t expect anything to be easy, and accepted the utter and total inefficiency of the archaic way you do things.

I hope this message found you well and the carrier pigeon didn’t struggle too much with the granite.