Madeline McCann - Body Found!

Before I get onto that though, let me tell you about a small church just outside the centre of Oxford. A few years ago, I used to live fairly close to this church. Not next door to it, but close enough to hear all the God based noise that it generated.

Every Sunday, for reasons anyone has yet to fully explain to me, Church people would aggressively ring an extremely large bell for what seemed like the entire day. For those of you who have never been awoken by a deluded paedophile ringing a giant bell unfavourably close to your window let me assure you of this, it’s really quite irritating. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is the bell ringing about? What is it they’re doing that they think necessitates the ringing of a bell? “EVERYONE WE’RE PRAYING, PRAYING TO GOD, WE’RE DOING IT OVER HERE, EVERYONE LOOK! MUM MUM LOOK I’M PRAYING!” Just fuck off can’t you, I don’t mind you doing it, but is it necessary to wake me up to tell me you’re doing it? I don’t ring a giant bell to notify people that I’m NOT praying, and frankly that is something to be much more proud of.

But they did it every Sunday, and every Sunday I’d be awoken to the sudden and confusing fear that there was a leper giant approaching my loft bedroom window. This would soon pass and be replaced with a sense of rage and superiority, but none the less, my morning was ruined. The church people will doubtless still be doing this now. People will still be droning their way in, still be singing dull songs, and still be praying to a God that they think exists, but plainly doesn’t. They believe because their parents believed. It’s so ingrained in them that God must exist that it doesn’t even occur to them to question if he does or not. Why would it?

And that, rather obviously, makes me think of newspapers. Newspapers don’t exist either. People think they do, they will go to a newsagents and buy a thing that they believe is a newspaper, but they are just mimicking what went before them. When they were children, they saw grownups buying newspapers, so now they’re grownups themselves, they buy newspapers too. It never occurs to them to question whether what they are buying is actually a newspaper or not. Why would it?

Well I can answer both the above questions: He doesn’t, and it’s not.

The purpose of a newspaper is to provide facts about world events to a person who does not have the time, inclination or capacity to research those events for himself. The idea is that in one simple document, the reader can become aware of all the critical facts of a subject, and become informed about world events.

Now, can you name me one publication that exists today that provides this service, because I can’t? There is not a single ‘newspaper’ that actually provides facts anymore. Everything is sensationalised to the point where it is very unlikely to be true, and it certainly can’t be assumed that anything read in a newspaper is in fact any way representative of the real world.

Whenever I see a headline in a newspaper, I don’t even bother reading the story beneath it, I just set about researching the event myself if I’m interested. I like examples, here are some…..

MMR – Linked with autism right? Wrong, this was a story entirely built by the media. One dopey nurse with no qualification, experience or expertise that related even vaguely to the subject she was discussing made a comment to a newspaper that there may be a link between the MMR jab and autism. Next thing you know, it’s plastered over every newspaper as a confirmed fact. Not much time after that, it’s now estimated that a quarter of children are no longer receiving the MMR jab, which in fact has saved more lives than is even possible to estimate. It’s a big number though, much bigger than 6, which was in fact the IQ of the nurse who started this story.

Bird Flu – Brand new disease that’s almost certain to kill the majority of the human race? If you believe every single one of our ‘newspapers’ then yes, but the reality is it’s a dull virus that has been around forever, is extremely difficult for humans to contract, and is about as likely to kill you as a Buddhist with chronic fatigue syndrome.

Any Celebrity Story – Not important, rarely true

Global Warming/Oil Crisis – I wont, you know already, and I talk about it too much. If you are one of the people who doesn’t know about it already, then take my quick left, right knowledge punch combo to the face right now (If you search the site, there’s even more if you want it, I didn’t want to beat on you too much).

Country full of immigrants – Always a paper seller this one, but not actually true. There is a valid immigration story to be told, but our ‘newspapers’ do not tell it. They sensationalise and tell us that the only people we allow in are rapists and murders, or Muslim extremists who plan to destroy us from within. Not really true, and common sense should really make that obvious.

I’m bored of examples, but I think that’s enough to make my point. If it’s not, then answer me this one question. If tomorrow you wanted to know categorically what is genuinely happening in Iraq, with immigration, with the environment, or in fact with any single national or international event, is there a publication that you believe will actually provide you that service? I am confident that the answer is no.

So God and Newspapers don’t exist, I’ve established that. The big difference is this though; someone could still make a newspaper, and if they did I’m sure they’d make a fortune. Everyone I know buys their newspaper on the grounds that it’s the one they hate the least. Nobody actually likes the one they buy. The reason people don’t like any of the available newspapers is that people are bored of being lied to. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t genuinely crave the existence of a paper that will sacrifice exaggerated excitement and intrigue for being committed to providing the genuine facts about every event.

The beautiful thing is that if a newspaper existed that consistently delivered that, every talented journalist would want to work for it. Listen to an interview with a successful reporter who actually has a brain and you can hear the weariness in his voice every time, the frustration with the way the industry works, but the acceptance that there is nothing that can be done to change it. Currently, every newspaper plays the same game, they play the build it up to something bigger than it is game. Well if one came out and played a different game entirely, the just tell the fucking truth and only get comments from people who actually know what they’re talking about game, I’m convinced it would clean up.

People don’t need excitement, newspaper editors don’t give us enough credit. A huge number of people would be much happier just reading what is actually going on, and being confident that they are not being lied to and treated like an idiot. There is a massive market for that product, I’m convinced of it.

So that’s my idea, and if I had a couple of spare billion pounds, I’d probably try to start it up. But I don’t, so I’ll just talk about it like a dick, and be happy in the knowledge that I’m a genius for pointing it out in a witty informative and honest article, which will do for me.

Oh and nobody found Madeline McCann’s body by the way. She’s still in my basement.