I don’t get the internet

The internet has grown into this huge thing that is now basically a part of every aspect of our lives. Nothing is beyond its reach, and it shows no signs of slowing.

Here’s the thing though. I don’t fucking get it. I don’t get it even a little bit. There’s this bizarre community of people who share a language I have no idea about, the language of the internet, and I don’t fucking get it. Here are a few of the things that happen on the internet that don’t make any sense to me.

Facebook

From what I can work out, the sole purpose of this site is to provide insecure people the facility to prove to other insecure people that they have a lot of friends, and a lot of fun. You collect friends, as many as possible, and it keeps a running count so that everyone else can see how popular and great you are. You are then required to post photographic proof that you go out and see people and have fun. Pictures of you or people you know being a drunk moron are the most important ones.

There is also the ‘wall’ which is a place where you can make comments to each other about how drunk you were the other day, when you were out having fun, with one of your 115 friends.

Many things about this site confuse me. Firstly, every photo is just you, or your friends, stood with more of your friends. That’s it. “here’s me with this person, here’s that person with this person, here’s me with that person and this person, here’s this person touching that person”. What’s the fucking point, apparently they’re your friends, do you really need this many photos of them, they’re not a fucking tourist attraction.

And that’s the point isn’t it, they’re not your friends at all, they’re just your pathetic attempt to prove that you’re cool. Facebook keeps a tally of the number of friends you have and shows it at the top of your profile. Does anyone actually believe this shit, are we seriously to believe that someone has 115 friends? I have about 6 friends, and I barely have enough time to see them, so there is no way in the world anyone has 115 friends. What they actually mean is they are aware of the existence of 115 other people, and if that’s the criteria we’re using, I have over 6 billion friends, so fuckoff, I’m way cooler than you are.

Just grow up, nobody cares about you, stop seeking approval. You’re unpopular and shit, just like everyone else.

2nd Life

Fucking creepy, that’s about the size of it. This is about as weird as anything has ever been before. Essentially if you are so much of a fucking loser that your life isn’t worth paying much attention to, you can sign up to another online one. There’s currency, you have a job, you form relationships, get a house, basically everything that comes with life.

What I want to know is if in that game you can play a game called 3rd life, which you can play if your 2nd life goes all to shit and it turns out you’re a miserable bedwetting twat in that as well. And if there is, in 3rd life is there another game called 4th life? And so on, and so on. Assuming there isn’t, this game is shit, and so is everyone who plays it.

ebay

People have a load of old shit which they don’t want, and you pay them money to take it from them. No fucking thanks. Maybe I’ve got too much money, but when I want something, I don’t want to get it after the general public have had their filthy nicotine stained fingers all over it, so I buy it new.

Equally, if I don’t want something anymore, the lure of £20 isn’t enough to make me bother going through the shit of selling it on ebay. Most ebay sales are the precursors to a trip to the post office, and frankly even if I got 10 grand it wouldn’t be worth it. The post office is clearly where the damned go as they wait to enter hell, and if there’s a way I can stay out of there, I will.

Online Gaming

It’s just too complicated, what happened to Mario Kart? That was a good game, you got a friend to come to your house, you each held a pad, and you raced a turtle or a mushroom around a frozen lake or a rainbow making sure you avoided angry plants and red shells. Easy. Now games involve a 3 year stint in the military and weapons and tactics training from Andy fucking McNab. I just don’t know how these kids do it, I really don’t.

Bit Torrent

What the hell is Bit Torrent, and why do people keep telling me about it? I know it’s like a magic portal that provides free things, but I don’t know the magic keywords that make it happen. It doesn’t make even a bit of sense.

The internet left me behind ages ago, I honestly don’t get it, and don’t think I ever will. What’s wrong with sticking to Porn and email, I thought that’s what it was for!