WhyPod?

When the iPod craze really kicked off, I resisted. I’d known about MP3 players for ages and to me this was just another one. I didn’t really have a need for an MP3 player, portable music players were for people who used the bus, my car had a CD player, I didn’t need one.

But a few months ago, I needed a new stereo for my bedroom. I went to John Lewis, which is where middle class people put all the money they don’t want, and I looked around. There were a few things that were pretty good, but one of the things I saw was the Bose Sound dock, which is one of those things you plug your iPod into to make it a proper stereo.

I liked it, I have Bose system in my living room and it sounds great, so I figured this was a good idea. Then I looked at the iPod, and much as I didn’t want to admit it, the wheel thing was pretty cool. And if I got the 30gb one, it would hold pretty much all of my music in 192 kbps. If I got these two things, all my music would be available in my bedroom without me having to go downstairs to my living room to get CDs when I wanted them. This seemed like a good plan.

So I got them both. I was now an iPod owner. I was one of the in crowd. I consoled myself by saying that I was actually a Bose user, I only got the iPod because it was necessary to get the Bose thing, and Bose is fucking brilliant. The iPod was still shit. I still hated the iPod.

A couple of days later, I thought I might as well take the iPod with me on my daily run. So I did, and although I didn’t want to admit it, it was great. I had all my music with me, the wheel thing was fun, it looked great, it didn’t weigh much, it was thin, and all in all, made my run much better. Then I found myself irritated that my car didn’t have a connection for it, and found that actually having all my music to hand was better than having CDs all over the place. I was being converted, the iPod was winning, it was brainwashing me to like Macs, to like Bono, to be one of the iPod people.

Then one morning, as I was about to leave for work. I went to turn the iPod off using the remote that came with the sound dock. Nothing, it didn’t do anything. So I took it out of the dock and tried to turn it off. Still nothing. It wouldn’t turn off, no matter what I did, it wouldn’t turn off. So I left it, I figured the battery would die and then it would have to turn off, and then I could sort it out when I got home. No big deal.

When I got home, it was fine. But then a few days later, the same thing happened again. And it happened again, and again and again and again. I’d be listening to it, it’d crash. I’d be trying to change the track I was listening to, it’d crash. I’d turn it up, it’d crash. I’d turn it down, it’d crash. I’d look at it, it’d crash. I’d try to turn it off, it’d crash. And every single fucking time I couldn’t do anything about it, I just had to sit there like a cunt letting this shitty aspirational object mock me.

Let me make this completely clear. The iPod is the shittest electrical product ever invented. I’d be better off just taking a drum with me everywhere. It is rubbish. I have never met anyone who has owned one that didn’t break all the time. Never. There is no such thing as a fully functioning iPod, every single one of them is defective in some way. If the iPod adverts were accurate, instead of a colourful silhouette of people breakdancing, it would be a silhouette of a man screaming down at something in his hand “TURN OFF, WHY WONT YOU FUCKING TURN OFF. I’M PRESSING THE FUCKING BUTTON WHY THE FUCK WONT YOU FUCKING TURN OFF!!!!”

And yet it is one of the best selling electrical items of all time. And that’s not even the amazing thing. The amazing thing is that everybody knows it’s hopeless. Wait around in a shop for someone who is about to buy one, and go and talk to them. Say to them “You know that will break the moment you expose it to natural light don’t you?” and he’ll say “Yep, absolutely, never even heard of one that works, why do you ask?”

It’s amazing, it’s unstoppable, it’s the electrical version of Global Warming, everyone knows it’s bollocks, but they go along with it anyway. Every company seems to be jumping on the bandwagon as well. Nike have brought out a trainer that connects to your ipod, stores data on your running patterns, then uploads it to website and provides you helpful and informative advice on your running technique. The advert features a man saying the following words to a backdrop of music that should be reserved only for gladiatorial movies…

“I am addicted. I’ve collected footsteps before dawn, seen places I never knew existed, run to the moon and back, been a rabbit for the neighborhood dogs, obeyed the voice in my head, let music carry me when I couldn’t, raced against yesterday, let the world be my witness, measured myself in metres, kilometres and finally character. I’ve plugged into a higher purpose, left this world and come back changed. I am addicted”

Very nice, but what about this, which I feel illustrates the reality slightly more accurately…

“MY IPoD ConNeCts tO MY Shoooooos!!!”