Get Away From Me

Shortly before I went on holiday, Comic Relief was on TV. I hate comic relief. It never involves anyone funny, and I find the very concept of mixing comedy with the suffering of millions of people disgusting.

What’s even worse, is that the adverts all make a point now of reassuring people that a lot of the money goes to “people in need in this country, as well as Africa”. Well I feel much happier about donating now, for a moment I thought my money was just going to go to the poorest nations in the world, and I wasn’t going to donate. I think it’s grotesque that it’s obviously necessary for them to do this because people in this country don’t like the idea of our money being spent on Africans. But anyway, that’s not my point, my point is that it’s shit.

Lenny Henry is not funny, and nor is his fat wife. I would sooner sleep with a Ugandan Transvestite than spend 4 hours watching a TV program involving either of those relics from the “when comedy was shit “ period of our history. I’m not sure if Bono is involved in this televised begging fest, but I imagine he probably is, and that makes me hate it, and him, even more.

But now I’m on holiday, and I find that assisted begging is rife here as well. There is a fat man that has followed me to every restaurant I’ve been to and played his accordion, badly, for the entire duration of my meal, drowning out all hopes of a conversation, and making me seriously consider ramming my cutlery into my ears. When he finally finishes serenading us all, he walks round every table with a cup in his hand asking for our money.

Now I’m pretty generous with my money. I never tip less than 20%, I give money to the homeless, and I never haggle. If someone performs something that I have genuinely enjoyed, I’ll happily give them my money. But a fat man playing his crapafone for 2 hours and ruining my meal does not fall into that category, and I’m not paying him for doing it.

But he still hasn’t learned. I’m not joking, the same fat man has hijacked every meal I’ve had since I’ve been here, and he’s still asking me for money at the end of it, and still indignant when I don’t give it to him. The first time I waved him away with a no, then continued my conversation. At which point he leaned in smiling and shook his cup at me. I actually had to do the gesture at the pockets with shrug of the shoulders motion to suggest I was very sorry but didn’t have change. I hate it when people make me do that. Just accept the No, don’t make me either lie, or have to spell out that the reason I’m not giving you money is that you’re biblically bad and deserve to be drowned.

I ate at the hotel today, so he didn’t get me. Tomorrow, if he does, I’m going to stab him. Or just say No again, we’ll see how it goes.