Jade’s New Perfume

I haven’t watched celebrity Big Brother, mainly because it was obviously going to be shit, but unfortunately that hasn’t stopped it infiltrating my life. Thanks to that fat bag of shit Jade, every time I walk past somewhere that sells a newspaper, or turn on my radio, I’m assaulted with information about this shit carnival TV program.

The first time it managed to breach my defences was an incident on the Radio One breakfast show, and involved Jade’s mother. At least that’s what they told me, but to be honest I don’t think I believe them. See I think that if it was her mother, it would have been a human being I was hearing, a female human being, but that’s not the sound I heard. The sound I heard was clearly the sound of a rock going around in a tumble dryer.

Not only did it sound like a tumble dryer, it had the IQ of one too. It was asked a series of questions, none of which reaching a level of difficulty that would tax a common household appliance, and it was barely able to form a sentence in response.

Hardly surprisingly, the offspring of this gypsy scumbag is one of the most disgusting creatures ever to grace our televisions. Jade is her name, and for some reason the British public seem to pay attention to her, and have done for years since she starred on Big Brother. She was fat and shit then too.

So this year, Celebrity Big Brother happened, and Jade was on it, despite the fact she’s only famous because of Big Brother. So by this rationale, isn’t every series of Big Brother actually celebrity Big Brother, seeing as being on it makes you a celebrity. But anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that the tumble dryers offspring spent her entire time in the house mercilessly bullying one of the other housemates because, wait for it, she wasn’t white!

This was news apparently. Big news : Jade is an ignorant racist!!! The girl couldn’t be more common if she was actually made from mud, so why the fuck are we surprised that she’s an ignorant bigot? It’s stupid.

One of the things Jade has made loads of money on since she found fame is her very own perfume. This has apparently been taken off the shelves of a lot of shops now, but to be honest, I don’t think she’ll mind that much. As I understand it, she’ll probably release a new one soon anyway, and my recommendation would be this one, I think it captures her personality perfectly.