The Magic of Rape

Am I the only one that thinks Rape gets a bad press most of the time? It’s one of our most versatile and varied crimes, and I feel it lends a touch of mystique to an otherwise boring world of stabbings and car crime.

The cinema again seems to be the place where they hit you hardest with the propaganda. It’s either stuff about kids getting hit by cars, which is clearly their fault, or it’s a warning to girls that any attempt to use public transport will almost certainly result in a rogue penis ending up somewhere in their body.

I’m yet to see an advert that says “Rape – Adding the spice to the world of crime”. Why not?

Consider the different types of Rape, and their merits.

1) The Date Rape

Easily the most popular, and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing. The reason Date Rape is such a winner is that it’s almost impossible to prove it was rape. All it takes is a quick “She wanted it rough your honour” and you’ve got your reasonable doubt right there.

The rookie Date Rapist would probably think he would need some kind of Date Rape drug, such as Rohypnol, in order to carry out his first successful mission. But this would be a mistake. Police reports have indicated that the number of cases of date rape in which a drug was used is almost none, and it is simply a story created and perpetuated by the media to invoke fear. Date Rapists only need one drug, and luckily for them, it’s legal, it’s plentiful, and millions of girls across the country are taking fuck loads of it every single weekend. Alcohol is all the Date Rapist will ever need, and for him it’s a thing of beauty. Just take a moment to think about the advantages. Firstly, you didn’t drug her, she drugged herself. Secondly, and even better, she paid for it. This way both your chances of prosecution, and your Date Rape expenses, are kept to a minimum.

2) The Bully Ramming

Totally different in nature and execution to the Date Rape, The Bully Ramming is another timeless classic. The prison population will be no strangers to this rape, but it has also been known to creep into other aspects of life, notably the Church. The Bully Ramming is the only rape in which sexual gratification is not the main aim. Granted, sometimes I’m sure it occurs as a bonus, but the main goal is simply to humiliate your Rapee. The Bully Ramming is the most feared of all rapes, because it could happen to a man, which of course is much much worse than it happening to woman.

3) The Face Rape

This is the friendliest rape, and there’s normally some kind of consent involved. Let’s face it, sometimes she’s just not trying hard enough for you, and if that’s the case, it’s time for you to take control of proceedings. VERY important you know her well enough that she wont bite you, I can’t stress that enough, but the sense of satisfaction gained from pulling off the face rape is, I assure you, worth the risk.

4) The Street Rape

Rarer than you’d think, but probably the rape women are most wary of. We’ve all seen Crimewatch, she was out with friends, she only lived a 10 minute walk away, she left, she was never heard from again.

Criminologists will tell you the Street Rape is “not about sex, it’s about power”. I’m gonna go ahead and disagree with that, I kind of think it might be about sex, what with the fact they force her to have sex and everything.

I’m of the opinion that if it was about power, they would probably go to Business School and get a job managing a small to medium sized office. But they don’t do that, they wait for a hot girl to pass their way, then they grab her, fuck her, and leave her. It’s basically like an extremely accentuated and accelerated relationship. He’s chasing, she’s playing hard to get, he gets her, she complains a lot, he gets bored, she gets dumped, she’s left on the floor crying, he’s off finding someone else. Doesn’t that sound exactly like every relationship you’ve ever had? It’s clearly about sex. It’s about Street Rape sex.

5) The Taxi Rape

According to Cinema advertising, unlicensed cab drivers committed something like 58 rapes in London last year.

Now let me tell you, the Licensed cab drivers were furious when they saw that, because they clocked 56 themselves, and there’s a strong feeling in their camp that at least 6 of the so called “rapes” the unlicensed team clocked up were actually just sexual assaults. The controversy raged on for weeks, but the bottom line is they lost the league that year, so be warned ladies, they’ll be trying extra hard this season.

So for all the women reading, let me try and help you out by telling you which rape you are most likely to be on the receiving end of.

If you are the type of girl who goes out dressed like a slut, drinks more alcohol than you can handle, flirts with every guy you see and then ask the last one you fall on to help you get home, then you are most likely to be on the end of a Date Rape. I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m just saying that’s what the Bookies are calling it.

If you are that same type of girl, but instead of asking that last guy you fell on to help you home you just try to walk home on your own, you are more likely to be on the end of a Street Rape.

If you are the type of girl that goes out with her friends, watches them get smashed, doesn’t drink as much, gets bored and decides to get a cab home on her own, then you are probably going to be the lucky winner of a Taxi Rape.

If you are the type of guy who was raised in a middle class family, owns a lot of hair products, and occasionally dabbles with Class A drugs as an act of rebellion, then you may be on the receiving end of a Bully Ramming. Middle Class children are never forgiven by the courts for drug offences, they are punished extra hard to make an example, and as such you and your pretty haircut could end up in Big Boy Prison, where your perfect English will not go down well at all.

And finally, if you are the type of girl who doesn’t like to give head, but you’re going out with a guy who doesn’t give a fuck what you like doing, then you are most likely to be experiencing the sheer brilliance that is the Face Rape.

Thank you for listening. Let the hate mail commence.