They don’t care if they’re extinct

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, a Mummy Panda, a Daddy Panda, and a Baby Panda were sat at the side of a mountain. They were all hungry.

Baby Panda came over to his parents “I’m so hungry, what shall we eat to survive?”
“Bamboo” said the Mummy Panda
“But I’m so hungry” replied Baby Panda “Why can’t I eat something else?”
“Because your mother told you to eat Bamboo” snapped Daddy Panda
“Well how much will I have to eat?”
“Basically all of it, eat whenever you’re awake, all you’re for is eating, understand!!”

And they all ate Bamboo, and they all died, and it was all because THERE’S NO FUCKING NUTRITION IN WOOD!

Mummy Panda and Daddy Panda are negligent parents responsible for the death of their own kind. No animal could possibly give itself less of a chance of surviving. It’s like they want to be extinct. Any species that decides to only live in cool mountainous regions of Central China relying solely on wood to survive clearly isn’t trying very hard to be alive.

In order for a Panda to survive, it has to eat Bamboo for 12 hours a day. Now from a logistical point of view this is obviously stupid, if they upped the nutritional value of what they were actually eating, they could spend less time eating, and therefore have more time for other things, like realising how stupid they are. There must be something else, other bears eat fish, what’s wrong with fish? Oh no, I’m a Panda, I’m too good for fish, I’m going to sit here eating wood with no nutritional value just because I’m too stubborn to admit I was wrong. Eat a fish you dumb bastard, then you wont get your shit made extinct.

We should all stop caring, let ‘em die, they’re obviously not trying, why should we. You can only do so much you know. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. And you can also show a Panda a perfectly good bit of meat and it’ll still eat wood.

What compounds the whole thing is that every now and then they are known to eat birds or rodents, so it’s not even like they don’t know about meat, THEY FUCKING KNOW ABOUT MEAT. Just eat the meat you silly bastard. Do they not notice that the days in which they eat a bird they don’t then need to eat Bamboo for every single waking hour. Do they just sit there going “Well this is weird, I don’t actually feel like eating, I think I might have a nap, have a little think, find me some sex. I’ve got a whole day ahead of me, this is brilliant, I wonder why this is. Couldn’t have been that meat I ate could it, that meat which obviously has a much higher nutritional content than sticks. Surely not. No. Back to the sticks for me tomorrow”.

For anyone who’s wondering, yes, this does further illustrate why Pandas don’t rule the earth.