I know I’m Great - That doesn’t mean you are.

Despite my staunch record of unblemished hostility to anyone I meet, I am still frequently bothered by people who want to be my friend. I’m sick of it.

Why do people always want to know new people, what’s so great about people? People are shit. Over the 27 years I have been alive, I’ve met about 10 people that I would genuinely want to have in my life on a regular basis. I’m not saying I don’t like anyone, I’ve met hundreds of people that I like, but that doesn’t mean we should be friends, and I don’t see why I should be expected to be friends with everyone that I like, or that likes me.

I have a girlfriend, I have a few friends who I genuinely like, I have a job, I have to wash, I have to eat, I have to sleep, I have a car I need to clean every now and then, finances to sort out, a website to update, children to abduct, people to criticise. I don’t have a slot for more friends. I’m not fucking hiring. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that I already have people I like, and I’m not looking for more. I only have a certain amount of free time, and I’d sooner spend it with a few select people rather than spread myself thinly over all the people who, understandably, think I’m amazing.

I hate the fact I’m not allowed to turn potential friendships away without breaking a stupid unwritten social rule and causing offense. It only happens with friends. I have a girlfriend, and because of that I’m allowed to start turning people away when they seem interested. If a girl asked me out tomorrow, I’d say “I’m sorry, I have a girlfriend” and that would be that, she wouldn’t be offended. But I can’t say it when I meet someone who asks me out as a friend, I can’t just say “I’m sorry, I already have friends, but thanks anyway, have a good life” then fuck off and never see them again.

I have therefore taken to wearing this T-Shirt, I figure if I can get the message across early enough, people wont even bother trying.