How to Choose a Deodorant

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that most of the general public are idiots, and this idiocy extends to almost every area of their lives. It’s not just their jobs, their life decisions, their alcoholism or their tendency to watch soaps, it includes everything. If there is an area of Joe Public’s life he could possibly make any kind of decision on, he will invariably get it wrong.

This is highlighted in terms no clearer than when you sit near a grown man on a train or other crowded area, and you smell Lynx (if you’re an American, you’ll know it as Axe). Grown men should not wear Lynx, because Lynx is for children. There are no exceptions to this rule, it’s a deodorant for children and if you wear it when you’re out of your teens, you deserve to be beheaded.

The adverts should be making this obvious to everyone. An advert for lynx is always completely direct, no powers of deduction are assumed. They brag about the lynx effect, girls will flock to you because you wear lynx. You spray on lynx, girls come to you. It doesn’t matter if you’re ugly, weak, spotty or unfashionable, the Lynx deodorant will mask all of that, and to all intents and purposes is a large scale date rape drug, you just spray it and every girl around you is instantly drugged into wanting to fuck the shit out of you. Simple. You look at the advert and like the dumb shit you are you think to yourself “Hey, if I wear lynx I’ll get laid!”.

If a Lynx advert were expressed mathematically, it would look like something like this

Now imagine another men’s toiletries advert, basically anything other than lynx. It’s black and white, there’s a chiselled man with a perfect torso running through the rain, there’s a handsome man getting ready to go out, his clothes are stylish and his hair is perfect. It’s far more subtle, they’re assuming you can work out what they’re trying to tell you. There are no girls, no instant magical effect that makes women want to fuck him, they don’t give you any of that. What they do give you is an image of the type of man you think girls like to fuck, you look at the advert and you think to yourself “wow, he’s chiselled, he’s stylish, he’s got a nice apartment, he must have a good job, which means I bet he’s got a fast car. This is a man that must get fucked all the time, I wonder what deodorant he wears, if I wear it maybe I’ll be like him, and then maybe I’ll get laid”

If an adults deodorant advert were expressed mathematically, it would look more like this

Ultimately, they’re selling you the same thing, they’re telling you if you smell like they want you to smell, girls will do stuff to you. You might think this means that one product is as good as the other, and that this means you might as well just wear Lynx anyway. You might think that, but if you did, you’d be a dick. You can’t wear Lynx because there genuinely is a Lynx effect, it’s just not what you think it is. What you have to remember is that you’re not the only one seeing those adverts, girls see them too. If a girl smells lynx on you, she thinks to herself “God how desperate, he’s wearing that childrens date rape spray, I bet he lives with his mother, he looks scruffy and rubbish, what a geek, I wish he’d stop talking to me. I will not have sex with this man”.

If the actual Lynx effect could be expressed mathematically, it would look something like this

If you wear something else, it’s entirely different. She smells your Hugo Boss, and she thinks to herself “hmmm, Hugo Boss, the man in that advert was black and white and sexy, I bet this man has a nice apartment like him, and I love the way he’s scruffy in that sexy unkempt way, he’s probably not even a little bit desperate, which means the fact he’s talking to me is validating for me. Perhaps I’ll have sex with this man”

If the effect of wearing an adults deodorant could be expressed mathematically, it would look something like this…

These equations can be applied to practically any product, simply work out how many steps the advertisers think you’ll be able to go through in order to reach the ultimate goal of sex, and the ones with the most are the most grown up products. The older you get, the more steps your adverts should require. Simple.

Doesn’t your life feel slightly more in your control now?