Don’t be a Cunt

A few years ago, I was working on a helpdesk, and got a call at 12:55 from some fucking loser that had some boring fucking problem. He goes through the details of this problem, and I tell him I need to take control of his machine to get it fixed.

“Can you fix it in less than 5 minutes, I have to go on lunch?” he says in his moronic voice.

“Fuck off” is what I want to say, but I can’t, which seems like a stupid rule to me but I play along. “No, but if you give me control of your machine, I can fix it while you’re on lunch”

“Nahhhh mate, I’ll call later, I don’t want you to go through my emails”

Then he hangs up. What a dipshit. What the fuck does this clown think I do all day that I’ve got nothing better to do than go through his fucking email.

Later on, as I was going through his email, I found a message to his girlfriend that read “I love you with all the colours of the rainbow” and he’d actually changed the font colour on each letter so it was all the colours of the rainbow. So the reason Agent Cody Banks didn’t want me on his machine wasn’t that I didn’t have the correct security clearance, it was just that he’d been writing pansy emails to his fat girlfriend instead of doing his crappy job.

I’m not taking the piss out of him for trying to be romantic, I’m taking this piss out of him for trying to be romantic and then being shit at it. That pathetic display would have made just about any woman on the planet dump the shit out of him for being a wet bag of shit. Hopeless. Utterly hopeless.

If you’re reading this and you don’t work in IT, here’s a tip for you. There’s nothing you do on your work PC’s that we can’t see, nothing. We don’t give a fuck about what you’re doing, we’ve got our own shit to be getting on with, and unless you stumble along like a dumb shit and make it obvious you’ve got something to hide, we’ll never go anywhere near your girlish emails or dodgy pictures. So don’t panic like a child when we suggest remotely controlling your PC to sort out all the things you fuck up.