Why I’m better than God

This planet, that’s why. It’s alright I suppose, but I reckon I could do a better job. It’s keeps doing stupid things, everywhere I look I can see something God got wrong that I’d have got right.

Take the Sun. It’s the thing that powers the planet we live on every single day, and yet it can burn us. What the fuck is that about? You wouldn’t take that shit from a builder “Yeah your house is done mate, but watch out for the light bulbs, they’ll burn your skin right off and give you cancer”

Then there’s the sea. Just sitting there, everything’s fine, then blam, takes out most of Asia. Why not design the sea so it, oh I don’t know, doesn’t destroy the land every now and then. Even if it didn’t do that though, it’d still be shit, because it’s gets dragged about by the moon every day. What a pussy. It occupies 70% of the entire planet, and it gets it’s sorry arse bossed about by the moon, which isn’t even a planet, it’s just a moon. Our moon. If I’d designed the sea, it’d tell the moon to go fuck itself “Fuck you moon” it would say “you’re not even a planet, you’re just a moon. My moon”.

And Hayfever. We’ve been evolving for millions of years and we’re still allergic to grass!? GRASS! a life form that covers just about every single available bit of land, and a huge number of us are allergic to it. What kind of stupid arrangement is that?

And if you live near a Volcano, basically at any minute you could be dead because it might EXPLODE! What kind of idiot makes a mountain that explodes, one minute people are living happily near a mountain thinking it’s doing nothing but giving them something nice to look at, and the next they’re getting their shit covered in molten lava. He could have at least given them a clue, Burger King put signs up when the floor is slippery, but God didn’t think to mention that the big mountain thousands of people were living by might explode at any minute.

Oh and don’t build anything in certain places, because periodically the earth’s plates will snap about shaking the living piss out of any structure you were stupid enough to erect and make it fall on you and cave your head in. What a dick, just make it one solid ball, all this plate, mantel core bollocks was unnecessary, I’ve got a stress ball at work, it’s one solid ball of sponge. But no, God’s too good for that, he has to be little Johnny Tectonics and goes and over complicates things with his plates and wotnot and makes what should have been a simple design an unstable ball of death. Idiot.

And what about Tornados, are you fucking kidding me. I can be in the middle of the desert, with nothing else around me, and get my shit torn apart by wind. Why? What possible advantage could there be from making wind occasionally arrange itself in such away that it destroys anything it goes near. It’s just wind, I don’t want to live in a world when I can take that shit from wind. Something’s got to get done about this.

And so, something has been done about this. Behold, Earth 1.1

Looks the same as earth right. WRONG. It’s nearly the same, but if you look closely at my version of Earth, Earth 1.1, you will see that none of those things I just mentioned are happening.

I FUCKING RULE!!!