Online Dating Berating

Until recently, my PC was used for the standard Porn & Piracy that all home PC’s were designed for. That was before online dating berating. It’s a fun game that the whole family can enjoy, and it doesn’t cost you a penny.

The rules are simple, go to a dating site, look through the profiles, then mercilessly tear the shit out of the horrific morons who flood the internet with their desperate attempts to find someone stupid enough to spend time with them.

You can never get bored of this game, the pool of potential is just too great. Observe some of my subjects from the past few weeks, the pictures are small and shitty because you have to subscribe to see full size ones, and when you see the array of beauties on offer, you’ll understand my reluctance to do that.

OK, What is going on with that fucking hair? It’s like she let an infant cut it, it’s a disaster. That’s the type of hair that winds you up on a dating site in the first place. It’s like she’s lived her entire life completely unaware of anything other than right-angles.

Her leisure activities really illustrate the extent of her thrill a minute lifestyle. Walking, running, driving and swimming. Calm down there sweetheart, all that excitement must be hard to cope with. It’s all just ways of moving around, and you just know when she says driving she basically just means driving to and from work, which anyone with anything even barely resembling a life wouldn’t dream of listing as an interest. She might as well have included “brushing my teeth” or “cleaning my bathroom”.

Moving on through the profile does nothing but put me off more. Two of her favourite places are Australia and America, yet they are also listed as two places she’d love to visit. So without ever actually going to either country, she’s stated them as amongst her favourite places. Idiot.

Then you get to the meaty bit, the dating element of her aspirations. What would be kazzy babe’s ideal date? Wait for it….“a nice meal”. Whooa, you’ve got the bar set a bit high there haven’t you princess? a nice meal! Don’t price yourself out of the market. If “a nice meal” constitutes the perfect date, I’m guessing “not getting raped” is about average.

And the Ministry of Sound is a club, not a genre. Clueless bint.

Granted, the spelling is always shit, and in fairness this one isn’t actually as bad as some of the others, but what makes this stand out is the fact she’s managed to get her name wrong, which I assume is supposed to be Sparkle. Dating tip spakle, if you can’t manage the feat of spelling your own name correctly, chances are even the online murderers are going put you in the maybe pile.

This profile is as dull as you would expect from someone so lazy they can’t even proof read their own username. Put some fucking effort in love, you can’t just stick this half arsed profile up and think they’ll come running. This level of effort is why you’re scratching around for internet leftovers in the first place.

She does want to build a relationship with someone who is fun and caring though, which does make her stand out from all the people who want to build a relationship with someone who is boring and a complete cunt.

SELL YOURSELF!! For the love of god who do you think is going to respond to this, why are you even bothering. Love2laff is not the right name for this girl, it should have been Love2BeIndifferent

Favourite place? Doesn’t have one, doesn’t care. Where would you love to visit? Anywhere but here. Is this girl in prison or something? Anywhere but here!?! That’s not the sort of thing I want to get involved with, she’s clearly miserable and is just going to drag whoever gets together with her into a pit of despair. No sale.

Let’s for a moment assume she isn’t in prison, and you get to go on a date with her, the first thing you’ll be doing is getting to know her. What a moronic answer, the purpose of a date is to get to know someone you clown, the point of the question is to establish the setting in which that process would ideally take place, you don’t get to know them before you do stuff, you get to know them while you do stuff. That’s what a date is.

No wonder she’s fucking single.

There it is, the horrible stink of desperation I was expecting from online dating “anything my man wanted to do” and “someone who aint gonna shit on me”. These are comments made only by those who have given up any hope of genuine happiness and will settle for anyone who’ll have them. “I’ll take what I can get” is the message here.

And what the fuck is going on in that photo? That’s terrifying, is she eating someone’s head? I don’t have an online dating profile, but if I did, i probably wouldn’t use a photo of me gorging on human flesh for my profile.

Matt’s relationship prediction for applede…

Single

Worst one so far by a mile, and that’s saying something. Angel of Darkness decided to conform to her heavy metal image by including a picture that can only be described as terrifying. If that was on her passport she’d get put in cargo every flight.

That’s not even the thing that makes this so shit. If she likes Heavy Metal so much, you’d have thought she’d have learnt how to spell it. Did it not come up even once on one of her “Be a non-conformist” compilation albums? I gave her the benefit of the doubt with the first one and wrote it off as a typo, but then she does it again later on, so it genuinely is that she’s illiterate.

The whole profile is one constant assault on the English language, it’s like watching a dictionary being beaten with a rusty pipe. Then brilliantly, she shows some concern for her horrific English by worrying she hasn’t spelt Geishas correctly, and it’s the only word she’s managed to get right the whole fucking time. Classic, that almost made me like her, despite her looking like Vincent Price.

There are going to be more of these, in fact the whole site might get taken over by this, there’s just so much material. If anyone finds profiles they find particularly shit, please forward them to me, and if they’re bad enough, I’ll publish them along with my comments.