I Believe it’s a Fucking Mars Bar

I love the World Cup. Of all the things that come around every four years, it’s my favourite. But my snack choices apparently don’t back this up, because I don’t like Mars bars.

This is terrible news, as apparently the new Mars bar has been specially formulated to make me believe England can win the world cup, as the new name suggests

I find this amazing, I mean how do they do that? So I looked through the ingredients on the side of the bar, and I couldn’t find any Belief in it at all. In fact the ingredients are identical to a regular Mars bar. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that Mars had just stuck the word believe on the same old shitty chocolate bar in a pathetic bid to leach off the publics interest in an historic sporting event.

So I gave Mars a call so they could explain it to me, as I was obviously missing something

Matt : Hi, I’d like to speak to the person in charge of belief
Mars : I’m sorry?
Matt : The person who controls the new Belief ingredient for your Mars bars
Mars : Oh I’m sorry Sir, we don’t have that department, we just stuck the word believe on the same old shitty chocolate bar in a pathetic bid to leach off the publics interest in an historic sporting event.
Matt : I knew it!

It’s just a fucking Mars bar, it’s not got any Belief in it at all, eating one in no way benefits the England team, so what the fuck are they playing at? I can’t stand it when idiotic marketing people devoid of imagination come up with the genius idea of mentioning a current sporting event in their advertising campaigns. Mars should tell their marketing people to fuck off and come back with something better. I mean seriously, they get paid a fortune, and the best they can do is say “The World Cup, people love the world cup, we’ll muscle in on that”

If I worked for Mars I’d be terrorising these people “Well done genius, I paid you all that money to tell me people love the World Cup did I? I fucking knew that already, I don’t need you for that idea. Have you seen a fucking Honda advert? Now they’re proper adverts, you watch a Honda advert and you’re instantly aware that someone with talent was involved in making it. Would the Honda people plaster the word believe on their car and call that a respectable marketing campaign!?! No they fucking wouldn’t you clueless dickheads, now get the fuck out of my office and don’t come back until you’ve thought of something original and at least begun to justify your pathetic existence”

It’s not even something remotely sporting, it’s a calorie packed Chocolate bar. If it was a sports drink I could just about tolerate it, but a chocolate bar? There’s no good side to what they’re doing. If they expect us to all acknowledge it’s just a marketing ploy, then what’s the point in doing it, and if they don’t, they’re basically encouranging a load of kids to gorge themselves on Mars bars or be responsible for England not winning the world cup. No matter which way you look at it, it’s a stupid idea.