The Day Gillette Pushed me too Far

I remember when the Mach 3 Power first came out. Because I’m easily swayed by clever marketing, I tend to buy the new Gillette when it comes out. I go to buy new blades and I see the new handle, and I figure I’m buying blades anyway, so why not.

So I’m sat watching TV, and I know Gillette are going to do something soon because Wilkinson Sword have got a four blade razor, and Gillette are still on the Mach 3. I realised this was a tough situation for Gillette, Wilkinson Sword had jumped over them, going straight from their two blades to the uncharted territory of four. Clever trick, someone there realised if they just brought out the three blade one like Gillette already had, then Gillette would bring out the four blade, and they’d always be behind. Then some genius there says “Fuck it, let’s just bring out a four blade one now, skip out the three blade” and it’s Gillette who are playing catchup. Bet they were pissed as hell, I had visions of the Gillette CEO smashing up his office “WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE, THE FUCKING QUATRO!!! QUATRO!! I WANT SOMEONE FIRED, GET ME A FUCKING DESIGNER IN HERE, I WANT SOMETHING DONE. IN FACT…MACH 9, I WANT A FUCKING MACH 9!!!!”

So there I am, in front of the TV, and a new Gillette ad happens, but to my surprise they haven’t just brought out their own 4 blade, they’ve made their existing one green, and they’ve called it the Mach 3 Turbo Power Nitro Extreme. I think. The Gillette Voice man excitedly tells me that it’s “A power so awesome, it has to be experienced to be believed”. That’s what he said, and why would he lie? I’ve got to have one.

The next time I’m in the supermarket buying new blades, I see the Mach 3 Power. It looks like it’s from space, if aliens shave, this is what they use. Of course I buy it. It takes a single AA battery, but the Gillette man told me it was “a power so awesome, it has to be experienced to be believed”. That’s what he said, and why would he lie.

I press the on button, and it starts to make a noise, I think it’s vibrating a bit.

I start to shave, it’s definately vibrating a bit.

OK, perhaps I’m doing something wrong. It seems to me that the awesome power of the Mach 3 turbo power extreme nitro, a power the Gillette man clearly described to me as “so awesome it has to be experienced to be believed” can in fact be illustrated as follows.

Too far Gillette. Too far.

Years later, and I hear Gillette are bringing out the 5 blade razor. It’s going to be called the Fusion. It has 5 blades on the front, and another on the back which can be used to do your sideburns. It may or may not vibrate.

Nothing would make me happier than Wilkinson Sword bringing out a 6 blade one a few months later. They should call it the Bastard. I’d use that.