Recipe for a Stabbing

If you’ve ever wondered how to create the perfect stabbing, you’re in luck. The following is my home tried and perfected recipe. It was discovered many years ago whilst still living at home with my mum, and frankly it’s amazing.

You will need

1 Powerful Vacuum Cleaner
2 Old rotten windows
1 Neck Tie
1 Stanley Knife
2 Sheets of thick polystyrene
3 Rolls of duck tape
3 Steri-strips

First, take the 2 rotten windows in the room you have recently moved into and make a decision to block them up temporarily, just until the replacement ones are fitted. This will be very temporary and you wont want to spend much money on doing it, so just use the two large polystyrene sheets that you have to hand.

You will find that the polystyrene is not quite the right shape to fit in the window alcove, so you will need to use the Stanley knife to cut the excess off the edges so it fits correctly. Before you do this, it is important to make sure that the neck tie is hanging off a rail in close proximity to the windows.

Once this is done, firmly place the sheets in the window alcove and duck tape them in place. This will ensure no draughts can get through until the replacement windows are fitted, and you haven’t had to spend any money. Use the Stanley knife to cut any excess tape off the edges in order to ensure it looks as neat as possible.

With your windows now nicely blocked up, you will now notice a large amount of white polystyrene bobbles all around the room, and many stuck to the wall next to the windows due to static. Go and get the vacuum cleaner to clear these up. DO NOT put down the Stanley knife.

With the Stanley Knife still in hand, begin vacuuming the polystyrene bobbles, ensure you go all up the wall to avoid missing any. Be thorough, make sure you go very close to the tie you have hanging up on the rail. Don’t stop to move it.

At this point, if you’ve done all the steps correctly, the Vacuum will suck up the end of the Tie and proceed to gradually pull the entire length up the pipe, it is essential that you do not think at this point, simply panic, and with one swift motion, bring the Vacuum pipe toward you along with the other hand, the one holding the Stanley knife, in a vain bid to grab the tie. Oh you wont grab the tie, but you will plunge a Stanley knife blade straight into your stomach.

At this point, with blood gushing out of your stomach and small pieces of rust visible in the newly exposed white flesh, many people choose to go to casualty, but it’s important that instead of this, you wonder downstairs, rummage around in the medicine cabinet and find 3 old steri-strips. With little or no regard for the possibility of permanent scarring, pull the sections of flesh together, put the steri-strips in place, and leave to simmer overnight.

And that’s the recipe for a perfect stabbing.