A Practical Alternative to the Bicycle

As I was stuck in yet another line of traffic this morning, I couldn’t help thinking “Wow, if only this fucking moron riding a bike was familiar with the work of Henry Ford*”

You see the motor car is a practical, environment friendly alternative to a bicycle, and yet this clutz with his shiny yellow jacket is completely unaware and is ruining mine and everyone else’s journey to work. If only someone would tell him.

“GET A CAR” I scream as I finally fight past him. Nothing. Too stupid, doesn’t understand.

You see instead of riding a bicycle, getting in the way of all the vehicles that are paying road tax, forcing them to constantly stop and start and burn more fuel than they should have to, causing pollution and creating a huge congestion problem, these people could actually use the very mode of transport that they are getting in the way of. The car.

Riding a bicycle does not ease congestion, it makes it worse. It does not reduce pollution, it increases it. All bikes do is stop traffic flowing, they create more pollution by forcing cars to constantly brake and accelerate, cause accidents that cost lives, and ultimately get where they were going slower, scruffier, and one hundred times stupider than those people who did the decent thing and got in a fucking car and drove there.

Honestly, how do people think riding a bicycle on the road is reducing congestion. Yes I know there is one less car, but things are more complicated than that, and only a stupid person would think reducing congestion was that simple.

If you are one of said stupid people, please imagine this…

Imagine tomorrow one hundred people decide that instead of driving to work, they’re going to ride a pogo stick in the middle of the road all the way, at an average speed of 4 miles an hour. What affect would that have on rush hour traffic? Correct, it would fuck it all up, even though there were less cars on the road that day. This is exactly what bikes do every fucking day, they’re not helping.

Congestion is lowered if you can create a system where traffic flows freely, and bikes do nothing but hinder that process, because they get in the way. I’m not saying nobody should be allowed to ride them, I’m saying you should have to ride them on the pavement, because it makes infinitely more sense.

The reason for the decision to make bikes ride on the road was that bikes could hit pedestrians and hurt them. True, they could, but Car Vs Bike is much more dangerous than Bike Vs Pedestrian, so surely you have to take the lesser of two evils. Forcing bikes to ride on the road because it’s dangerous on the pavement is like storing something in the freezer because it might get cold in the fridge. It’s just stupid.

This just shouldn’t be an issue, it should be obvious to everyone. The conversation necessary to make the bikes on the pavement decision should have lasted no more than 15 seconds.

“But a bike might hit a kid and knock him over, causing him to be badly grazed”

“Yes, but a bike might hit a car and cause a huge accident resulting in the deaths of a large number of people”

“Oh yeah…good point, I feel retarded for even suggesting they ride on the road now”

I’m right again aren’t I. Of course I am.

*I’ll say it before it happens, not one of you cunts better email me the words Cugnot or Benz. I fucking know alright, but Ford is the name people recognise, and he was the one who made it a realistic prospect for people to actually have a car, which ultimately was the most important part of the invention.