100% Surgical Record

Due to how awesome I am, I have rarely felt the need to go to a doctor. It has happened before, but to be honest most of the time I reckon I can do a better job of fixing whatever my problem is.

My first surgical procedure was performed on an in growing toenail. I’d had this thing for months and it had progressively been getting worse and worse. By the time I actually decided something needed to be done about it, I could barely walk. I don’t know why I let it get that bad, laziness I think, but once I’ve decided I’m going to do something, I tend to be really impatient and want to get it done immediately. It was about midnight when I finally decided that something needed to be done with my toe, and a doctor wasn’t an option, so I decided to man it up, and fix it myself.

The tools I chose for this operation were a rusty screw driver, a Stanley knife, some nail scissors, and a kettle. I knew I didn’t want it to happen again, so the first thing I did was use the stanley knife to cut the top corner of my toe off. I jammed the screw driver under the side of the toenail, and prised it up, then cut it off with the nail scissors. Then I boiled the kettle and poured boiling water over my toe so it didn’t get infected.

Years later, and I’ve never had another in growing toenail. Probably because my body is too scared to do it to me after the beating I gave it last time.

My next operation was a dental procedure. I’d had a tooth pulled out, and they did a shit job, leaving sharp bits in my gums. I phoned them up and said “Hey you cunts, my gums hurt, it feels like you left sharp bits in it!”, and they said “Really, we must be incompetent thieves, come back in so we can fix our mistake and charge you another £60″

No chance. I was at work at the time, and the Matt impatience hit me again. I just wanted it sorted. So I got a stationary blade, and went to the bathroom. 10 minutes later I emerged with the side of my pace swollen up and blood pissing out of my mouth.

Haven’t been to a dentist since, my teeth never hurt. 2 for 2 so far.

Then recently, I break my collar bone. I got taken to casualty, and they told me to wear a sling for 6 weeks and it would heal. You can see in the x-ray that the bone is overlapping, so I figured it wasn’t going to heal, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Two weeks in, and it hurts as much as it did at the start. Yeah I was driving anyway, but it was really painful and I had to change gear with my mouth, so again I decided to Doctor it up.

This time the only tool I was armed with was my own sense of superiority and a general disregard for my own well being. Placing one hand firmly on the section of the bone at the top, I shoved as hard as I could, snapping it back behind the other bit. I then rotated my shoulder forcing the end back around so it was inline with the rest of the bone. I then pulled my shoulder in towards me as hard as I could, and held it in place for the entire night, not moving at all.

The next day, I was pretty much fine.

From these experiences, I have concluded that my medical knowledge is superior to that of any doctor. Also, that I’m extremely attractive, despite the recent loss of symmetry.