Crash - Alternate Script

Now before everyone starts bitching at me, let me say this. I did like this film, I thought it was really well made and I was entertained, but just because I liked it doesn’t mean I can’t hate it too. So with that in mind, this is the alternate script I think they could have used. Don’t bother reading it if you’ve not seen the film, it wont make any sense at all.

Crash Alternate Script

[ Car that has been in a crash]

Don Cheedle : It’s the sense of touch

Mexican Woman : What?

Don Cheedle : Oh just some stupid bullshit I’m saying to justify the title of the film

Mexican Woman : Oh right, I get it. Now you’ve done that I’m going to explain to the audience what has just happened to us

Don Cheedle : Good, I think the crashed car with us in it isn’t enough of a clue

[Mexican Woman : gets out of car and goes to speak to the Chinese Woman : who just rammed her]

Chinese Woman : I can’t say my r’s, because I’m chinese, look I said “blake” instead of “brake”. Aren’t I chinese? But you’re mexican, so I hate you.

Mexican Woman : Ha ha, you have a speech impediment, and I’m angry because you said I was Mexican.

[Crime Scene by the road]

Don Cheedle : Blah blah blah blah blah

[Gun shop, a man that might be an Arab : is buying a gun with his Daughter : ]

Gunshop Man : You get one free box of ammunition, what kind do you want?

[Arab : talks to his Daughter : ]

Gunshop Man : Listen, I’m angry because of Sept 11 and your skin is a funny colour, so instead of selling you the gun, let’s have a boring argument

Arab : Agreed, I’ll be as stereotypical as I possibly can be, and you do the same yeah?

Gunshop Man : OK, that’ll be fun

(Arab : leaves, his Daughter : stays and collects the free ammunition, she doesn’t know what she got)

[Ludicris : and his Friend : leaving a restaurant]

Ludicris : Did you see how black we were in there, we were black and other people were white

Friend : Oh, I’m nowhere near as radical as you, I’m the whiter black man that American audiences are more comfortable with

Ludicris : But black, and black and black black black black black we’re black

Friend : Yeah I suppose

Ludicris : And some racial observations that have been made hundreds of times before, how about that?

Friend : Yeah, I’m still non-threatening though, don’t worry middle America

]George of the jungle : and Miss Congeniality : walking down the street towards Ludicris : ]

George of the jungle : MY VOICE IS DEEP AND I’M A PROFESSIONAL MAN, I DON’T LIVE IN THE JUNGLE

Miss Congeniality : Yes that’s right honey, to prove it I’m going to make a comment about how you’re always on the phone, because you’re such a busy professional deep voiced man

George of the jungle : YES I AM ALWAYS ON THE PHONE, BUT YOU CAN HAVE THE BATTERY TONIGHT TO SHOW THAT FOR ONCE I’M GOING TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU UNINTERUPTED

Miss Congeniality : That’s weird, why didn’t you just turn it off?

George of the jungle : I DON’T KNOW. DON’T I SOUND BUSINESS LIKE THOUGH

[Miss Congeniality : hugs George of the jungle : because she sees the black men]

Ludicris : Black black black we’re black and that White Girl : knows we’re black and got scared on account of how black we are…..We’re black

Friend : I’m sorry, I’m not quite as black as you and I don’t understand

Ludicris : Me neither, let’s just jack their car and drive away. I am black after all.

[Different Crime scene, by different road. A Black Guy : has been shot in a car]

Random Cop : Basically this story is going to be about a white cop shooting a black cop, nobody saw who shot first, and neither of them knew the other one was a cop. But they are both cops, and the chances are the whole plot is going to involve some tired lecturing about racism

Don Cheedle : Isn’t that completely ridiclous?

Random Cop : Yeahhhhh, pretty much

[George of the jungle : s house]

Miss Congeniality : Listen George, because I was the victim of a crime I now hate anyone who isn’t completely and totally white, and that man changing my locks is Mexican, so I want new locks. And I want him killed for not being white.

George of the jungle : BUT HONEY, I DON’T THINK HE’S GOING TO DO ANYTHING WRONG, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TO BED.

Miss Congeniality : Not before I scream out a message about how I’m not allowed to be scared of black people, then blame you because our car got jacked

George of the jungle : OK SWEETHEART, IF YOU CAN JUST DO THAT THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO BED, THAT WOULD BE SUPER.

[George of the jungle : goes back to the other room and talks to his colleagues]

George of the jungle : I’M THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY, AND EITHER WAY WHEN THIS STORY GETS OUT I’M EITHER GOING TO LOSE THE BLACK VOTE, OR THE LAW-AND-ORDER VOTE. PISS

Employee : No, black people love you…they think you’re dope

George of the jungle : OK, IF WE CAN’T DUCK THIS, THEN WE’LL HAVE TO NEUTRALIZE IT, WE NEED A PICTURE OF ME PINNING A MEDAL ON A BLACK MAN

Employee : s …..That’s a fucking shit idea. You’re a dick

George of the jungle : WHAT ABOUT THAT FIREFIGHTER THAT SAVED THE CAMP IN NORTHRIDGE, WE COULD USE HIM

Employee : He’s Iraqi

George of the jungle : BUT HE LOOKS BLACK, I’M WHITE SO I CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ANY RACE OTHER THAN MY OWN, DESPITE THE FACT NOBODY WOULD EVER GET THOSE TWO RACES MIXED UP

Employee : He’s dark skinned sir, but he’s Iraqi, his name is Saddam Khahum

George of the jungle : HIS NAME’S SADDAM, THAT’S REAL GOOD BRUCE, I’M GONNA PIN A MEDAL ON AN IRAQI NAMED SADDAM, GIVE YOURSELF A RAISE

Employee : Errrr sir it was your idea, all I did was point out it was shit, which you just realised, much later than I did, and only because I told you.

George of the jungle : I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I’M TOO MUCH OF A DICK

[90210 : on the phone talking about his sick dad]

90210 : My dad’s ill, you’re probably black

Black Girl : Yes I am black, my name is [the blackest name anyone can think of]

90210 : Well my dad’s ill and it’s because you’re black. You black bitch

Black Girl : Well now I’m definitely not helping. I definitely would have before though. But now we know that you’re a racist, just like everyone else in the world

[90210 : is in his car, he’s a police man]

90210 : Listen Ryan, I’m angry because people are black, let’s pull over this Black Guy : and harass him.

Ryan Philippe : But I’m decent and honest and not like the racist LAPD, so I’m going to object, then let you do whatever you want

[Pulls over car, the driver was clearly getting blown]

90210 : Hello sir was this White Girl : munching your pole?

White Girl : Am I white?…I’m not sure, I look kind of white, but I’m definitely not all the way white. At least I was in ER though.

Black Guy : I’m sorry officer, it is my car and as you can see, this White Girl : isn’t all the way white so it really shouldn’t be a problem that she was sucking my junk while I was driving should it?

[90210 : goes away and plans harassment]

White (?) Girl : Right, how do you think I can escalate this situation as much as possible?

Black Guy : I know, when he comes back and asks me to get out of the car, give him a load of shit, disobey his orders, then be surprised when he takes the opportunity to harass us even more.

White (?) Girl : Got it, I’ll do that

[90210 : comes back and asks the guy to do some weird “I’m not drunk” test]

White (?) Girl : Don’t be ridiculous, he doesn’t drink

90210 : Really…oh I’m sorry he doesn’t drink, this test is completely unnecessary then. I mean obviously if he had been drinking you’d admit it straight away, so there’s no need to check. In fact why do we ever check…..oh wait you might be lying, that’s it.

White (?) Girl : Hey honey, shall I escalate the situation now by getting out of the car and giving the policeman a load of shit.

Black Guy : Actually I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve realised this guy is a racist twat, and maybe giving him a load of shit is just playing into his hands. He’s got a gun you know.

White (?) Girl : Sorry Honey, I can’t hear you over all the shit I’m giving him…..why’s he got his hand up my snatch?

[Cut to white(?) girl and Black Guy : at home]

White (?) Girl : You fucking prick, I can’t believe you let that happen

Black Guy : I’m sorry honey, I credited you with a tiny bit of intelligence and thought that you’d know not to give a racist policeman an excuse to fuck with our shit. That must have been my fault.

White (?) Girl : Yes it was, it was your fault. Now let’s constantly bicker about who is the most black out of us. I think it’s me, you’re not black at all.

Black Guy : Yes well I’m blacker than you, you’re white, yeah OK you’re not all the way white, but you’re mostly white, and although I’m not that street, I’m definitely more black than you. Listen to me say fuck y’all. I’m so fucking black.

[Cut to mexican girl under the bed]

Mexican Dad : Did you get scared honey?

Daughter : Yeah, I thought I was going to got shot through the window.

Mexican Dad : Well tell you what, why don’t I give you this cape and tell you it means you can’t get stabbed or shot. I’m pretty sure letting a child think she has super powers is completely safe.

Daughter : Oh it’s definitely safe Daddy…..I’m off out to get shot and stabbed.

Mexican Dad : ….Piss, I didn’t think this through at all

[Cut to Ludicris : and his Friend : driving]

Ludicris : Blackedy black black blacker than black. BLAAAAACK

Friend : You know what Ludicris : , I’m fucking bored of your brainless commentary on racism and so is the audience. These observations were made 15 years ago and we don’t need to hear them again. I think people are feeling even more patronised than they did in the Matrix trilogy.

Ludicris : Nonsense, people are ignorant and there’s no way they would understand the reasons for racial tension without us telling them.

Friend : That’s OK, but ma……did we just run something over?

[They get out and find man stuck under the car, nothing interesting happens]

[Police Station, Ryan Philippe : is moaning about 90210 : to his boss]

Ryan Philippe : I don’t want to cause any trouble Lieutenant : , I just want a new partner

Lieutenant : Now I’m black so you’d think I’d care, but the LAPD is now so racist, that even the black men hate blacks, bet you didn’t realise that did you. Well we’ve taught you yet another lesson then haven’t we

Ryan Philippe : Oh right, it’s just he is a racist prick, and I don’t want to work with him. Is there anything you can do?

Lieutenant : Of course there is, why we could always say something absolutely fucking stupid like you’ve got flatulence, how about that?

Ryan Philippe : Why?

Lieutenant : Oh I don’t know, some shit about you having to work on your own…I’m not really sure, I just like the word flatulence so I decided to use it

Ryan Philippe : What a load of Mumbling Shit. But OK.

[Mexican has changed the Arab : s lock]

Mexican Dad : OK, I changed your lock, but you need a new door. The door is broken. You need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

Arab : Change the lock

Mexican Dad : I did change the lock you need a new door

[Cut to sex happening, Don Cheedle : answers the phone anyway. It’s his mum]

Don Cheedle : No Mum, he’s not here, and I’m having sex with a white woman. Bye

Mexican Woman : I can’t believe you said I was white, I’m Mexican, look at me!

Don Cheedle : It was a joke, people make jokes, nobody in the world is this sensitive. Do you think we’re over doing it a bit, we’re starting to make the film completely sensationalist and over the top.

Mexican Woman : Well I don’t care, I’m not even Mexican, I’m from other South American countries….so there.

Don Cheedle : Oh well, at least we got some tits in the film, it hasn’t been a complete waste of time. Plus let’s be honest, there’s no difference, South America is South America, and it’s not racist to not know which part of it you’re from. People will happily refer to someone as “American” if he’s from North America, you can’t look at someone and tell what state they are from. Just because I don’t have your fucking family tree in front of me it doesn’t mean I’m a racist. I’m starting to get the impression the only purpose of this film was to make everyone realise that even though thy didn’t know it before, they are actually racist, because they can’t instantly recognise the characteristics of the natives of every single country in the world

Mexican Woman : I think you’re right, after all, the term racist does mean a person that actively supports the denigration and degradation of an entire ethnic group…which is basically what incomplete geographical knowledge can be interpreted as. Anyway, where was I? Oh that’s right, walking off in a big Mexican huff because I’m not White.

[Ludicris : and Friend : walking through the hood]

Friend : What up Mo Phat?

Ludicris : Hey, don’t talk to that black man, despite his really really cool name, he robs purses from old ladies, so we don’t like him. The point I’m trying to make is that people from the streets have a strange moral stance, as we’re thieves too, but he’s a worse thief than us. See?

Friend : Oh I see, hasn’t that been conveyed in just about every Gangsta movie every made?

Ludicris : Yes. Yes I suppose it has. But anyway, he steals from Black people, that’s why he’s worse, because I’m so racist that I think we should only steal from white people, and I think people that steal from black people only steal from black people because they’re scared of white people

Friend : Yeahhhhhh. What’s the point of this conversation again, haven’t we already established our characters more than enough? I’m the more level headed one, and you think the whole world is out to get black people, everyone gets it.

Ludicris : And another thing, don’t ever get on the bus, the bus is the man getting at black people. Everything is the man getting at black people, those shoes? The man getting at black people. Toast? The man getting at black people. Man I hate the man.

Friend : You’re going to be on a bus at the end of this film aren’t you?

[Black Guy : doing his acting job]

Director : Listen Black Guy : , that was shit, Jamal wasn’t black enough, he needs to act like a dumb shit otherwise White America wont like it

Black Guy : Wow I’m angry, I can’t believe the racist way television and cinema works, if the black man isn’t stupid he’s useless yeah, the black man has to be an idiot. I’m so fucking angry, there can be no possible justification for your request

Director : My point was that you can’t suddenly change a characters vocabulary midway through a series without it seeming a bit weird, that’s all. It’s nothing to do with him being stupid and black, it’s to do with him being consistent with his character.

Black Guy : OH….yeah that does make a lot of sense, but I’m definitely going to do something really stupid soon on account of how angry all this racism is making me. GRRRR

[Woman with the blackest name in the world is in her office, 90210 : has come to see her to discuss his sick father]

Shaniqua : Hello 90210 : , you were the guy that was a bit of dick on the phone last night weren’t you.

90210 : Yeah, I apologise for that, I just haven’t been getting much sleep and my father is in a lot of pain

Shaniqua : I’m sorry to hear that

90210 : The doctor he’s been seeing says his got a urinary tract infection, but he’s been taking this medicine for about a month and it’s just getting worse

Shaniqua : Look, let’s cut to the chase, I’m not going to help you because you made a comment about how black my name was

90210 : But you see, you wouldn’t be helping me, you’d be helping my dad, and my dad is so nice to black people, he’s basically a black man himself, why the only reason he’s ill is that he sold his kidneys so he could give black people money, you’d love him. He’s not just a nice person, he’s nice especially to black people. He’s really that nice. But you wont help, and you shouldn’t have your job anyway because white people would be better than you. In fact I bet there are 4 or 5 white people more qualified than you that didn’t get picked for this job because they had to follow the equal opportunities rules.

Shaniqua : This sounds really familiar, isn’t this almost the exact same background story used in America History X, you know that film that approached the subject of racism in a much more intelligent and realistic way than we’re doing?

90210 : Err….no, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Shaniqua : Sure you do, you’re racist because your dad’s life got ruined trying to help black people. In American History X his dad got killed putting out a fire in a black neighbourhood. Actually didn’t he say the exact same thing about jobs as well, something about the less qualified black firemen getting jobs over white guys who did better than them? Yeah he did, it seems we’re way too late to make this film, someone has already approached this subject and done a much better job than we’re doing.

90210 : Shit….I er…I’ve got to go.

[Arab : speaking to the guy from the Mexican Dad : , his shop has been burgled and destroyed because the door never got fixed]

Locksmith : Sir, our employee clearly told you to fix the door, but apparently you were too busy conforming to a stereotype to hear him, so it’s not our fault.

Arab : Yes I was too busy conforming to a stereotype, and I’m too busy now too. Woman stop cleaning the walls, the insurance company needs to look at it

Arab : mother Look what it says, they think we’re Arab : ’s, but we’re not. I bet everybody in the audience thought we were Arab : didn’t they, yet more evidence they are all racists and didn’t know it

Arab : Listen, I want the name of the guy who didn’t fix my lock. I want it now. I want to shoot him with the gun I bought recently

Arab : Daughter : Oh my God!!! The gun, did they take the gun?

[runs over to the draw and finds the gun has not been taken]

Arab : Daughter : Oh thank God, I thought for a minute that we might have let a gun get loose on the streets of LA. That would have been a disaster.

Don Cheedle : is at his mums house, she’s wasted]

Don’s Mum : I’m on crack, you know why, because every time a black man becomes a policeman in a film, his family is always all fucked up. He never comes from a stable family, he’s always the son of a crack whore. Yet more evidence of racism I think.

Don Cheedle : Listen, in order to make the end of this film seem interesting, we need to make a point about my missing brother, have you found him?

Don’s Mum : No. No I’m on too much crack. But he’s probably with Ludicris : being not quite as militant as him.

[White(?) Girls comes to see Black Guy : at work]

White (?) Girl : Sorry I was such a cunt the other night and made everything worse….I mean….err…it was all your fault

Black Guy : That’s it….THAT’S FUCKING IT!!! I’m going to do something absolutely fucking stupid now. It’s decided. First I get pulled over, then my boss asks me to retain character integrity, then you make a half hearted apology. I MUST KILL EVERYONE!!!!

White (?) Girl : Weird

[ Insurance Guy : at the Arab : s shop]

Insurance Guy : Mr Arab : name, you said you called the Mexican Dad :

Arab : That’s right, but then I conformed to a stereotype really really loudly and basically missed everything he said. I hope it wasn’t important

Insurance Guy : Yeah it was I’m afraid. Basically, you didn’t have a door that locked, because you didn’t have a door at all. The guy told you this hundreds of times, your English seems good enough to understand when I tell you, but for some reason you didn’t understand when he did

Arab : I told you….stereotype.

Insurance Guy : Oh yeah, well anyway, you fucked, we’re not giving you anything. If I were you, I’d go look in the bin for the bit of paper the Mexican through away with his name on so you can do something like shoot him in the face. Something like that anyway.

[Ryan Philippe : comes and talks to 90210 : by his car]

Ryan Philippe : Hey 90210 : , I got re-assigned. Don’t worry, it’s not because you’re a racist prick, it’s because err……well because you’re a racist prick I suppose.

90210 : That’s OK, wait until you’ve been doing the job a bit longer, then you’ll be racist too, that’s what working for LAPD does to a man.

Ryan Philippe : I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening what was that?

90210 : I said MESSAGE!!!!!

[90210 : turns up at the scene of a crash, there’s a navigator turned upside down and about to catch fire]

90210 : Ma’am, I’m not going to lie to you, your shit’s about to get all fucked up. However, in a bid to show the audience how a person with a horrible side to their personality can also have an amazingly kind side, I’m going to unload a tonne of hero jism all over this crash scene, OK?

Ma’am : Yeah Oka…..yay I know you, you put your hand in my snatch. Fuck this I don’t want you to save me, leave me here to burn, I reckon your just after my snatch again

90210 : Oh shit, it’s you white(?) girl, listen, I know before I grabbed your snatch, but this car’s is going to blow up, and I only need to grab the non-sexy bits to drag you out. I really think it would be for the best if you let me.

White (?) Girl : No, no I want to burn to death

90210 : Are you sure?

White (?) Girl : OK you’re right actually that’s a stupid idea. Get me out.

Hero stuff happens, 90210 : saves the day, white(?) girl wants him to put his hand on her snatch again.

[Don Cheedle : meets that guy who’s in every film to talk about the case he’s working. Something about two cops killing each other. It’s boring]

Everyfilm guy : Hey Don, what we’re going to do now is get in a conversation about why people will judge the Black Guy : . We’re going to mention how…..you know what. Let’s not do this, let’s cut this whole patronising shitty scene from the film

Don Cheedle : Oh thank fuck.

[Ludicris : tries to car jack Black Guy : s car]

Ludicris : Get out of the fucking car nigga!!

Black Guy : Did you just say the N word. Bad Ludicris : , very very bad. Hold out your hand

Ludicris : But I…the….bu

Black Guy : HAND

Ludicris : OKAY (hangs head in shame and holds out hand)

SLAP!

Black Guy : Good boy. Now we’re going to drive around and make the police angry, because I’m very upset about all the racism in this film. Why earlier I was asked to retain character integrity and everything. It’s just not right.

Ludicris : Well can I go, I mean I do have this gun and I’d probably have shot you with it twenty times by now if this film made any sense, I’d rea…

Black Guy : NO. Bad Ludicris : , naughty bad dirty Ludicris : . Put down that gun, it’s filthy, it could have germs

They drive around the police pull them over, nothing happens. Boring.

[Arab : confronts the Mexican with a gun]

Arab : You Mexican bastard, because of you, I lost my shop

Mexican Dad : I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean. I fixed the lock, and you were doing hat sereotype thing remember, there was all the shouting and gesticulating. Sound familiar?

Arab : No, it really doesn’t, so I’m going to wait a little while until your Daughter : runs in front of you and then I’m going to shoot you some.

Daughter : Here I come Daddy, my super powers cape will protect you

[kid jumps in the way, gun gets fired….everyone is fine]

Arab : What the piss, everyone is fine

Mexican Dad : I don’t get it, why’s everyone fine….did my cape work after all. It must have.

Arab : Shit….no I just realised these are blanks. I’m a dick.

[Ryan Philippe : picks up Ludicris : ’s Friend : ]

Ryan philipp Hi you black man you, I’m picking you up, because I’m not a racist.

Friend : Why thank you, I was just enjoying the delights of the white sport known as hockey

Ryan Philippe : No you fucking weren’t, you’re black. For some reason I now think you want to hurt me, don’t so anything that makes it look like you have a gun OK. This is probably to show that even though I didn’t seem racist through out the film, I am of course actually a racist, because I naturally assume this Black Guy : is going to attack me.

Friend : Oh….but I wanna, here I’m going to act really really threatening for no reason and I’m going to really make it seem like the thing in my pocket is in fact a gun even though I know it will probably get me shot,

Ryan Philippe : BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Oh piss that wasn’t a gun. You dumb shit, why’d you make it seem like you had a gun. Oh well.

Don Cheedle : goes to a murder scene]

Don Cheedle : Oh crap in a bag, that’s my brother. How fucking predictable, I was hoping this film would do something original

[Ludicris : is on the bus]

Ludicris : I fucking knew I’d end up on the bus. I’m so pissed off..hey look a van with the keys in. I’m going to get that.

[Ludicris : gets in the van, tries to sell it, then realises it’s full of immigrants]

Ludicris : Well, let’s send everyone home with a feel good feeling. I’m going to not sell these people, but set them free, to a life of poverty on the street of America. God bless you everyone. Merry Christmas.

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