Things I’ve Learned the Wrong Way

Copydex glue is for glueing, not for eating.

Kinder Surprise toys, whilst being fun to assemble, do not belong in the nose.

When shampoo says on it “For Dry Hair”, that’s not actually what it means.

Grown men should not jump off climbing frames

Freezers should be defrosted carefully and with a gentle but firm scraping motion. A hammer is not a good alternative to this.

If a cat is eating a frog it found in the garden, just let it finish.

If attempting to apply any kind of flee killing solution to a cat, wear thick gloves.

If you do not have a cat flap, do not leave the cat access to your bed when you go to work. Apparently beds are similar to litter trays.

Do not get a cat

Apple shampoo doesn’t taste much like apples

Caustic soda is an entirely different type of soda to the fun kind

Some trains, despite going through your station, actually run non-stop straight through it, and for quite a long way after that.

Rail staff lie

A History of Violence is the worst film ever made

Do not have a water fight in your house

When having a water fight in your house, do not put your entire body weight on a lizard tank.

Marmite, whilst delicious, should not be incorporated into ones sex life

Most people don’t find the death of a loved one funny.

People are correct to advise you to not continue driving when you have a flat tyre

McDonalds isn’t worth the £4 they charge you

There is a limit to the amount of popcorn I can eat

Mobile Phone insurance isn’t that stupid of an idea

I am not that accomplished a runner.

My hair is in fact curly

I do not have anything close to what could be considered a sense of direction

Operating on an in-growing toe nail yourself is more efficient than visiting a doctor

When performing surgery on yourself, think “Antiseptic”. Anything rusty should be avoided.

T-Shirts are not suitable winter attire

Hamleys should not be visited near to Christmas

I am not a natural dentist

No breakfast experience should involve Mini-Eggs

Mad women with facial sores should not be comforted in the street

Old Scottish tramps have very sharp and abrasive beards

The M1 north bound on a Friday doesn’t move.

I do not look good in headwear

“She doesn’t annoy me that much” is not a sound basis for any relationship

The steps of Gerrards Cross train station are exceptionally slippery during the winter

Shallot apparently means Onion

Tabasco Sauce, Vinegar and toast are NOT for snorting.