The Metrosexual must be Stopped

Am I the only one concerned? Surely not. Right off the bat let me say that this isn’t some homophobic fear of men that like to pamper themselves, that isn’t my problem here. My problem is that these men are breaking rank, and causing a big problem for the rest of us.

For as long as can be remembered, the men of our country, and in fact most of the world, have been involved in a solemn unspoken pact. This pact was that we wouldn’t try to look good. Women constantly have to try to look good, because all the other women are doing it. Expensive hair cuts, entire body waxing, different clothes every minute, expensive makeup, expensive surgery, strict diets, punishing gym schedules. They have to do this because they know the other girls are doing it, and if they don’t they’ll look ugly in comparison.

Meanwhile, the men had quietly agreed that none of us would try. We’d all smell, we’d all have rubbish hair, we’d all get a bit fat. Yeah some blokes would be lucky and look good naturally, but we’d just let those ones go, because we knew they were rare, and we were generally playing on a level playing field.

Then the metrosexual…

I mean seriously, what the hell does he think he’s doing? Since the metrosexual, my jeans have suddenly started costing £70, my haircuts have gone from £6 to £36, and my daily cleaning regime has become precisely that: Daily. I’m not happy.

This wasn’t necessary before, I was adequate looking, and I got by just fine. But now they’re all doing it, look around you, men are all groomed and nice looking, and girls don’t have to put up with me smelling bad and wearing shit jeans. The only way for me to compete in this market is to start going to Toni & Guy and buying Diesel clothes. It’s not supposed to be this way, I spent £14 on hair products last month. FOURTEEN POUNDS!

I know it’s too late, the wheel has started turning and no force can stop it now. We will all slowly up the competition level, until one day, 15 years from now, we all have to get up 2 hours before we leave for work to do our makeup and straighten our hair. When that happens, don’t say I didn’t warn you. In fact don’t say anything at all.

In the mean time, it’s about winning the small battles, and my small battle is against this shit craze for men wearing pink. Pink looks shit on men, it’s not a scared of looking girly thing, it’s a don’t want to look shit thing. Fuck pink, fuck men that wear pink, and fuck the cunts that decided men should start wearing pink. Fuck them all. I will never wear pink, as god is my witness (which he is) I will never fucking wear pink.

Are we all agreed that the whole problem is Ben Affleck’s fault? Yes. Good.