Funstice?

Those of you that have any experience of lame breakfast radio may remember a segment on Capital Radio called the Bong game. It was basically your standard get some droning simpleton desperate for attention to call your show and force them to jump through your sadistic quiz hoops for 30 minutes, thus alleviating you of the responsibility to FUCKING ENTERTAIN US despite that being what you’re paid for kind of section.

Well this game didn’t actually suck that much arse. Essentially, a guy with a deep voice would read out numbers that got incrementally higher by varying degrees, £1, £4, £6, £20, that sort of thing. When the caller yelled stop, they got the last amount that got said, but if the recording went Bong before they said stop, they got nothing. Once they had made their stop choice, they would be congratulated, and then the rest of the recording was played so they can see how much they could have got.

Did I mention it wasn’t that shit? It really wasn’t. Regardless of how non-shit it was, I don’t think they do it now, because despite what the people who set motorway speed limits believe, the passing of time normally means the changing of ideas.

Now the other day I was watching a man get sentenced to 15 years in prison on some news channel rubbish, and it occurred to me that it was nowhere near as entertaining as it should have been. Here I was watching a member of the public, the public that I hate, having his life destroyed, and it didn’t really entertain me that much at all. If they’re going to show me courtroom stuff on TV they should jazz it up a bit, throw Keanu Reeves in there or something, he was in that Devils Avocado film so he’d be fine.

(What’s he talking about, Keanu Reeves would be shit)

Yes that’s right, he would be shit, so that’s not the thing to do is it? What they should do is have the Judge incorporate the bong game into all sentencing. Basically for any crime, no matter what it is, they should employ the same system. If the tape goes bong, you get the first number that got said.

“You have been found guilty of shoplifting, I sentence you to…..”

Press play on tape recorder, sit back and stare solemnly, tense music in background…..

“30 Years”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“28 Years”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“22 Years”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“15 Years”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“9 Years”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“3 Years”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“1 year”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“11 Months”

Shoplifter yells “STOP”

Judge stops tape “OK, so you’ve stopped the clock on 11 months, let’s listen to how little you could have got…..”

Nervous music, dramatic pause
“9 Months”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“4 Months”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“2 Months”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“3 Weeks”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“6 Days”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“1 day”
Nervous music, dramatic pause
“13 Seconds”
BONG

“Oh unlucky, how do you feel. Like a Cunt I bet, anyway, next…”

“OK, you have been found guilty of Burglary, I sentence you to….”

Nervous music, dramatic pause
“One hundred and twenty five thousand years”
BONG!