The Nation are Idiots

As part of my job, I’m required to cover a lot of different IT positions. I work for an IT consultancy and I cover various people when they are unavailable to do their jobs, or I provide extra resource if a site is short staffed or have a skill shortage. I’m basically a substitute teacher but with IT.

Part of this job is covering an IT helpdesk. Hilarity ensues…

Through working on this helpdesk I have confirmed what I always believed to be true : Ninety percent of Britain’s population are completely fucking stupid. What follows are genuine phone calls I have taken over the past 6 months. I am not exaggerating them at all, although you’ll probably think I am, and I wish to God I were.

Matt : Good morning IT
Caller : Er Hi, I’m trying to reset my password but it wont accept what I want to change it to
Matt : Are you getting an error message
Caller : Yeah, it says “You may not use the same character more than once”
Matt : And what are you trying to set it to
Caller : Balloon1
Matt : OK, you’re getting that error because you’re using the same character more than once. Don’t use the same character more than once.
Caller : Oh right, so I can’t use the same character more than once
Matt : No, that’s what that error means when it says “You may not use the same character more than once”

Matt : Good morning IT
Caller : Hi, I can’t sign on to my system
Matt : Are you getting an error message at all
Caller : No, it just says “User profile cannot sign on, profile disabled”
Matt : Yeah. That’s an error message

Matt : Good morning IT
Caller : I’m sorry, I’ve dialled the wrong number, I was after IT

Matt : Good morning IT
Caller : Is that IT
Matt : Yes it’s IT
Caller : I can’t login to my system
Matt : Are you getting an error message?
Caller : Yeah it says “User profile cannot sign on, profile disabled”
Matt : OK, what’s your username?
Caller : err..I don’t know
Matt : You type it in when you try and sign on
Caller : I’m not sure what I typed
Matt : OK, can you just try to login again?
Caller : (typing noises) Didn’t work, I got the same message
Matt : OK, what username did you type?
Caller : Oh….I’m not sure
Matt : OK, can you try to login again, but this time watch your fingers as they hit the keys and tell me what your username is

(Mid-conversation. I’m talking this caller through changing a DNS address, they’ve been struggling the entire time)
Matt : OK, can you press 1
(beeping noise in my ear)
Matt : Not on the phone, on the keyboard

Matt : Good morning IT
Caller : Don’t you mean good afternoon
Matt : No, it’s 10:13 in the morning

(mid-conversation. This caller is having a problem with the network connectivity of one of their machines. We established the network cable was unplugged and I asked him to reconnect it. While I was on the phone the add hardware wizard started…)
Matt : What hardware does it say it’s trying to install?
Caller : A printer
Matt : Have you just connected a printer?
Caller : Yeah
Matt : Okay. Why?
Caller : So it can get on the network
Matt : It doesn’t need a printer to be on the network
Caller : Doesn’t it?
Matt : No, can you just disconnect it
Caller : But how will it get on the network
Matt : It doesn’t need a printer to be on the network
Caller : OK, I’ll disconnect it
Matt : (talk him through opening a command prompt) Can you now type IPCONFIG
Caller : It says media state disconnected
Matt : Didn’t we just plug the network cable in?
Caller : Yeah
Matt : And is that cable plugged into the wall socket at the other end
Caller : No it’s plugged into the printer
Matt : Why’s it plugged into the printer
Caller : So it can get on the network
Matt : What’s the printer plugged into
Caller : Nothing
Matt : ………..?

Matt : Good morning IT
Caller : I can’t login this morning
Matt : Can I have your username
Caller : Yes.

Matt : Good morning IT
Caller : I’ve turned my PC on this morning and nothing is happening
Matt : OK, is there a light on the base unit
Caller : Yes
Matt : Is there a light on the monitor?
Caller : No
Matt : Can you press the power button on the monitor
Caller : Oh….it’s come on

(mid-conversation)
Matt : OK, I’ve set your password to ABC123
Caller : How do you spell that?

(mid-conversation)
Caller : What time do you close over there?
Matt : 5:30
Caller : OK, I’ll call at about quarter to six and let you know how it goes.

(mid-conversation)
Matt : OK, now press 6
Caller : Upper or lowercase?

I hate the general public.