Gimp my Ride

Who watches Pimp my Ride? If you watch Pimp my Ride you should kill yourself in the face.

If you’re lucky enough to have never seen it, the premise of the show is they get one broke peasant to drag their shitty car over to Exhibit (He spells his name in a much more hippedy hoppedy way I’m sure, but where I come from if you call yourself Exhibit, it gets spelt Exhibit and you shut your mouth). Exhibit then makes comments about how shitty the peasants car is, and tells him he has no value as a human being until his car is much more dope. Pimping ensues as follows…..

Exhibit stands around as a load of pseudo-mechanics prance about filling the car up with as much useless shit as possible whilst delivering stereotypical black cultural catchphrases. They’ll have found out some information on the peasant whose ride they are pimping and will incorporate something from their personal or professional life into the new “theme” of the vehicle. For example, one guy said he was a DJ, so they fitted decks into his boot, another guy was a skater, so they build him a trailer which could be used as skate ramp. They never actually make any changes to the car itself, the engine and everything that actually helps the car move is never changed at all. But they rip the outside apart and replace it all with shiny new stuff so it looks all…well…shiny.

Firstly, this is a disturbing social commentary, patently depicting the current culture of valuing appearance over substance. Secondly, the only thing Exhibit and his idiot friends ever seem to do to the car is fill it with DVD players. If a car doesn’t have at least 5 DVD players, it’s shit. No matter what you’re interested in, you’ll get a load of DVD players, they are incorporated in every theme. If you tell them you like mountaineering, you’ll have five DVD players, all playing video footage of mountains. Instead of updating the persons car, they should just get one of those shitty TV-DVD Combo things and nail wheels to it, it’s essentially the same thing, but much cheaper.

The great thing is how shoddy it all is, when the cars come out they look like a school project, and the things they put on them are just laughable. One girl had a bubble machine put on her exhaust. Now that’s just shit isn’t it, and it’s probably not the shittest thing they’ve ever done. The customisation is always just a pain in the arse anyway. The DJ guy had his boot filled with decks, and they showed him like he was supposed to be happy with it. “I’m a DJ you tit, it’s my job. Where the fuck am I going to put my records now?” Idiots. If the guy was a surgeon would they have put an operating table in the boot of his car? Nobody needs to incorporate their personal interests or profession in their car, just make it shiny Exhibit.

Even if you’re not a DJ, you better be damn sure they will fill your boot with as much stereo equipment as they can possibly cram into it anyway. Forget ever using your boot, because you now have 14 amps and 3 subwoofers stuffed into it. Can anyone offer me any explanation as to why you need more than one amp? My stereo at home sounds great and I’ve got one amp, and one sub, and I’m pretty sure adding another 10 of each wont make it sound better. I’m sure there is some boring explanation as to why more is better, but I bet it’s shit.

But anyway, after Exhibit and his minions have finished, you’ll get your new shiny pimp ride back with the identical engine, and you’ll drive it back to your shitty house in the projects, and that night it will be rinsed clean by every scumbag near you who wants a DVD player, decks or a bubble machine, and now you need a new car, because your old shitty one is now even shittier than before you let Exhibit pimp it. Genius.

Horrible as this all is, it actually got worse, and the UK are responsible for that. You all know what I’m going to say…..

Pimp my Ride UK

I can’t even bring myself to complain about this, this shitty program will stand unscathed by my wrath as it is actually so bad that it transcends criticism. Tim Westwood is without doubt the most pathetic human being to ever curse this planet. I hope he dies in a car crash.