Antiques - Nobody’s Impressed

Antiques are old and shit and I don’t like them. My friend has a book that describes an antique as something that’s been useless for so long it’s still in good condition. I fucking wish I’d said that.

I don’t need my table to have a history, it’s a piece of wood. If I knew somebody who knew Louis XV, that person might be more interesting because of it, because people can speak. Tables don’t do anything, and if they have an interesting past it doesn’t do anything for me because it can’t fucking tell me about it. If have a table that Louis XV once used, I have an old shitty table that Louis XV once used. That’s it.

Honestly, you spend thousands of pounds more than you need to spend on some poncy bit of furniture, just so you can tell your dick friends that your dining table is early nineteenth century. If anybody openly cares when a table was made they should be kicked in the knee. When you pick a table, you should basically only be thinking one thing “Is that flat?”.

People that like antiques are every bit as pathetic as people obsessed with designer label clothes. I simply don’t believe a piece of furniture is any better because it’s two hundred years old, just as I don’t believe a shirt is any better because somebody embroidered Ralph Lauren into it. The whole logic is ridiculous, I remember watching the Antiques Roadshow once and this woman had bought this ugly fucking teapot in to be valued. This thing was disgusting, all the children that had been dragged to this piss poor event were crying in the background, and I’m convinced it’s because they’d seen this teapot.

So the presenter who apparently is an expert in antiques starts mauling this insult to kitchenware, and after about 10 minutes of spewing incessant dull self important rubbish, he proclaims the item to be a rare and unbelievable find and estimates it would fetch between 10 and 15 thousand pounds at auction.

Are you fucking kidding me?

First of all, the reason it’s a rare find is because it was so fuck ugly nobody dreamed of making any more after the first batch. The fact it’s rare just goes to show that nobody liked it enough to warrant more, and the chances are when people were stupid enough to buy one of the ones that did get made, when they took it home somebody screamed “ARGH!, what the fuck is that ugly bastard!” and smashed it all to shit. So just because this one teapot managed for two hundred years to avoid destruction by anyone with an IQ over 14 and the ability to see, it’s suddenly worth 15 grand? Bollocks.

It goes the other way around as well. A guy took in this chair which he believed was valuable. It looked like it might be, and it was an OK looking chair. You could see he really liked it, but the presenter just said it was crappy, showed the guy loads of things that meant it was a “fake”, and said it was pretty much worthless.

Now I’m not sure how you can label a chair as “fake”, it looked pretty real to me. I’d be pretty confident that if I sat on it, I wouldn’t suddenly end up on the floor to a chorus of mocking “You fool, that was a fake chair, and now you’re on your arse looking stupid, ahahahaha”. This poor old guy was made to look stupid, which in fairness he was because he liked antiques, and he left carrying this chair he really liked 15 minutes before as if it were a ball and chain.

What a load of shit, the chair was exactly the same as it was a minute before that oily virgin decided it wasn’t worth anything because the “colouration was inconsistent with the period”. The old guy should have chopped him in the neck and smashed the shitty old fake chair over his back as he lay on the floor gasping for air.